Of coarse we start with the script. We work from a full script. This helps Tiina quite a bit in getting the ideas she needs to draw the page.
I wrote back -
Some things that would make this page easier to read -
panel 3 is good but put the Golem in the middle of panel 3 and 4 and separate at the same time. Leave him as we see him, of his back. If you put the Golem in the middle of the page, on the one side can be what he sees (the Guard) and on the other what he imagines (the fight in Prague. And take him out of this scene). I think if you make the Golem the center of the page it's understood that the Golem is the subject and the scenes are what he is perceiving.
Can you have the Golem behind the guard in the 6th panel? The interest of this scene is to create tension by making the viewer think the Golem is going to get the guard and at the last minute the guard is saved. To create tension you could put the Golem's face in heavy shadow in the first panel, and in the second panel show the Golem really big behind the guard. First panel is of the Golem's face, the 2nd panel is of the guard looking at the statue (with the Golem behind him) and 3rd panel is of the guard running scared. the 2nd panel should be bigger than the others, and I would show it from the automaton looking up. Foreground, the automaton, middle, the guard with fear in his eyes, and behind him the Golem. We need to see the fear in the eyes of the Guard to make this work and we need to see why he's afraid (the broken automaton).
One more thing. There will be a lot of running around in the museum so it would be good to get an idea about how the museum is laid out. There is the Golem's room, the jewel room, an animal room (with stuffed African animals and dinosaur bones), a armory room with suits of armor, and a Greek statue room. The armor room and the animal room don't connect directly but are both connected to the Greek statue room. The Golem room and the Jewel room has at least one room in between. I imagine that the Golem room has 3 doors. One that goes to the outside where Dooley and DeAngelo came in, one that goes to the animal exhibit and one that goes to the jewel room. A key scene is when Bruiser walks in and Bella knocks the Golem through the door to the animal exhibit, and it's a different door than the onw Bruiser came from.
With all that said, have the guard come in from the door on the Golem's left, and have him exit from the far door on the Golem's right (toward the jewel room). The door behind the automatons is the animal room.
It's a little complex but will make a great comic!
Tiina sent this back -
While this is better there were still a few things that I thought needed changing.
Would you mind having the guard come in the door to the Golem's left and leave through the far right door. There are 3 doors in this room, 1 on the wall left of the Golem, 2 on the wall behind the Golem and 3 on the wall far right of the Golem. Bella, Dooley and the guard will enter from the left door. Bruiser will enter from the right door and the door behind the Golem will be one Bella and the Golem to go through on page 32.
Show the broken automaton more prominently in panels 2 and 6. I suggest you draw those panels from a low angle with the automaton in the foreground. You could show the broken automaton from a normal strait on angle in the establishing shot of panel 1.
Panel 5 can be smaller giving more room for panel 6 allowing it to be more dramatic and the Golem much more scary. Also it would be cool to show the rage in his eyes.
Panel 2 and 3 are not clear. I think if you put the Golem right in the middle of these panels and show him from behind it would help. Also show a figure in the right that corresponds to the guard on the left.
I also sent a rough drawing of what I was saying to make it clear.
I'm really happy with what you did on panel 6 because I was having problems with it as well. If you want to try a birds eye view, go ahead.
Looking back on the other versions of this page, they were really not bad. On 19.2 you've made a page that looks really nice. Most of the information that we need to convey is there. The one thing about it was that I thought that the middle panel wasn't clear that it was a flashback.
19.4 is really good, it's just that I thought it would be better to have the Golem in the middle of the panel.
I really like how on panel 6 you show the inside gears of the automaton, letting the viewer know it's not a person.
Maybe in panel 1 you can put the sign above the door the African Hall. The door that the guard leaves from can be the Prague exhibit room 2. The door he enters in can be an exit sign.
I always love seeing your work!
And here is the inked page -
I think we went through more changes with this page than previous pages for whatever reason. I guess one reason is that there is a lot of information to be conveyed with the drawings and we were getting a feel for how best to convey it. I'm still not sure if we got across all of the ideas effectively. For example is it clear that the guard is unaware of the Golem, and is running away to hide from the robbers who knocked over the automaton, or even that the Golem is about to grab him from behind. All we can do is use our best judgement and hope for the best. I guess that's where the "Art" is involved. Am I too picky? Are our wordless pages effectively communicating the story? Let us know what you think.
In any case it's a pleasure working with Tiina. I think she's a super artist and it's always exciting to get new art from her!